Yesterday we went to church after Mr and I had our little blow up. I was SOOO ANGRY. I didn't want to sit by him in Sunday School, didn't want to look at him, and didn't want to worship with him NO WAY. When we sat down, Dr. Amops, a professor at the medical school and a great friend and spiritual mentor, started reading 1 Corinthians:
"4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. ....
13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
What are the odds that we would read that particular message on that particular Sunday morning. I sat in my seat next to my husband trying not to cry in front of my friends. I had whiplash from my immediate change in emotion. I have never been so angry, then so so so very sorry in that incredibly short time. We left after Sunday School, I didn't think I could sit through a whole service, and in fact, I couldn't even make it to the car before the water works started.
I was being proud. I was being stubborn. I was not being very patient. I was self-seeking. I felt like a gigantic ass hole. And by the time I got home at 11:00am, I felt like I had just ran an emotional ultra marathon. I spent the rest of the afternoon numb. Thinking about what I was going to do next about my ILs.
When dealing with Mr's family, I feel like there are two distinct Me's:
1. The proud independent woman who refuses to let his family walk all over me and treat me and Mr like we don't matter. She won't buy into their selfish ways. She won't be bothered with people who can't show her even the tiniest ounce of respect. She refuses to listen to their criticisms of her life with her new husband. She refuses to compromise on who she is to make MIL more comfortable. Afterall, its her problem if she is intimidated by proud independent Mrs. She won't apologize again. The first time the other me apologized, MIL said "You should be sorry" and never reciprocated an apology... MIL doesn't deserve another apology after that.
2. Then there is the girl who only wants to make everyone happy. She wants to tell my ILs that it is OK if they don't show respect to me, because I know it makes them uncomfortable. She wants to apologize again, telling them she never meant to draw such a thick line in the sand. She wants to say its ok that you tried to ruin my wedding week with your misbehaving, because it must have been so so hard to watch your first son get married. Its ok that you spread viscious lies about me, because you were feeling insecure and I wasn't, and you couldn't take that. I understand that you have never had to deal with someone like me, or someone who wouldn't follow your every instruction, and that must be tough. I will forgive you. I will forgive.
I could go on and on. There is the great divide taking place in my head. The emotions surrounding Mr's family have reached an all time high. Just bringing up their names now sends me into a whirlwind of tears and hurt feelings. Its really quite embarassing. I'm working on it. I'm trying my very very hardest to forgive them, because I don't think I can move past this until I figure out how to forgive.
In the end, I don't think the emotions I'm feeling have anything to do with me. I don't need his family, I lived 20 years without them, and did just fine. But Mr needs them. I have watched Mr's family, all 4 of them, take advantage of Mr for the last 5 years. They make huge demands of him and can't reciprocate. They watch him bend over backwards time and time again, but when he needs them most, can never take time to be there for him. Mr has come to terms with this. He says that he doens't rely on them anymore, he just appreciates the time he can spend with them. He doesn't look to them for support or encouragement, because he finds that elsewhere. I can't accept this for some reason. I don't feel like its good enough. He deserves as much love and respect or support and encouragement as he gives... and his family just doens't cut it. I'm working on it. I'm going to work with Dr. and Mrs. Amops from church, to get past this. To forgive.
If you have any advice on how to start this incredibly hard process, I would love to hear your thoughts. I've never met anyone going through anything like this, and I really don't know where to begin.
Happy Monday!
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